Highs and Lows

I drank way too much last night - not because I am a big drinker but because it feels good not to feel panic or anxiety when I'm a bit tipsy and relaxing on my couch. I realize this, but it's still pretty difficult to stop anaesthetizing myself.

I woke up tired.

Coffee does the trick in the morning. I ate some food and made a pot of half caffiene / half decaf. I'm on my second large cup and am feeling pretty hyped from the caffeine rush. I'm going to keep drinking coffee and ignore the nervous feelings brought on by the coffee.

Got a lot to do today - I hope I can fit it all in.

The biggest thing is a meeting with my panic doctor, Dr. Mike Telch from the University of Texas. I scheduled this meeting because I wanted to just chat a bit about my progress (or lack thereof) since our last sessions about a year ago. I'll go into detail about these sessions in subsequent blog posts.

GOS

Good day

Wow! I'm feeling pretty good today. Although I'm still a bit depressed about the fact that panic is interrupting my life right now, I have yet to seriously dwell on it today.

Last night was a pretty big night for me. I was out in the heat all day working out, running errands, working, etc. At about 4:30 I began to feel very light-headed and dizzy. It is at this point at which I would typically begin to panic about my symptoms - but I didn't. I just let the symptoms happen knowing in the back of my head that this is a typical panic situation for me. Eventually, I got a beer and sat on the couch. I didn't want to pass out but didn't want to give in to my fears. In the end, nothing happened and I went about my night.

I'm really nervous about my job today. I may have to travel again sometime soon. I love this job and don't want to lose another job because of my avoidance of air travel. I often wonder how I so easily let panic rule my life. I know why, and I can't go back and change the past. I am an avoidance junkie - and my avoidance has only made my struggle worse. Dammit, that sucks.

I'm in my office right now and was chatting with a peer a couple minutes ago when a thought came to me --- "I wonder what it's like to live in (this person's) shoes and not have irrational thoughts of panic in relatively safe situations".

Sometimes I just wish I were normal. The funny thing is ... I used to be a frequent flyer!

Gos

Exercise and Panic

I ran three miles this morning in the Texas heat. When my heart begins to beat rapidly, I immediatly think about panic and start looking for a *safe* place. During my run today, I did have panic thoughts and feelings, but I kept running. In fact, I made myself run harder and faster. It felt good to face my panic in this way - although it was very scary - and there weren't many *safe places* along the trail.

I bring a Xanax, my credit card, and a cell phone when I run - "just in case". I also didn't drink coffee before my run, again, "just in case".

GOAL: Run 3 miles w/o Xanax AND with coffee. Then Run 3 miles w/o Xanax and Credit Card . Finally, run 3 miles w/o Xanax, Credit Card, or Cell Phone.

Then run 4 miles.

Small steps - soon I will be able to fly in airplanes again. Soon I will beat this phobia.

Gos

Day 1 --- What if?

First post, day 1. *What if*

*What if* i panic right now? *What if* my anxiety never goes away? *What if* I never reach my potential because of the constant fear of panic?


*What if* the questions above are unreasonable and unsubstantiated? I think they are ... but I'll never know unless I face my fears.

I hope this blog serves as a good place to express my thoughts/feelings about my struggle - my panic disorder - my anxiety.

Remember, anxiety and panic cannot hurt you.

Gos